


Death, and all its loving friends.

by MorrisonsSwan



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 03:04:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10688475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorrisonsSwan/pseuds/MorrisonsSwan
Summary: *Self Harm warning, mentions of cutting, and death*One night is all it took for Alex to spiral out of control. 10 years after her first self-harm encounter, here she is again, with a blade in her hand, ready to end it all.





	Death, and all its loving friends.

**Author's Note:**

> With the warning in the summary, I would still like to state again that there are some graphic descriptions in this, so please be advised. With that, I hope you enjoy this fic that hits very close to home for me.

Years of holding everything back. Eliza being mad at her for not doing everything she could to protect Kara. Eliza getting even more mad at her for not being the perfect daughter that she always wanted her to be. Every single guy using her, and not allowing her to be happy. Everything started to feel like it was crumbling down. She gave in. It started off as just once. One night in the shower with a broken razor. Just one cut, not enough to need stitches, but deep enough that it bled and stung. That one night when she was fifteen. She hid it from everyone. Never told anyone about it. Alex never thought about it again. She had the scar, and looked at it constantly. It was just one scar. One scar that she would have the rest of her life. The only scar that was self-inflicted. Until it wasn't. 

One particularly hard night was all it took. Nothing had seemed to go right that day, and all she wanted was to give up. Alex had always turned to alcohol to solve her problems. But tonight she needed something stronger. Something that would take away all of her pain. There was a razor blade in the bathroom, on the counter. Why it was there? Nobody knew. But Alex went to get it. She brought it into the living room, and sat on the couch. There were thoughts running through her head. None of those thoughts were good. All Alex needed was release. Sweet, sweet release. She pressed the blade into the skin on her forearm. Tears started falling from her eyes as blood seeped out from the cut she made. She picked up the blade, and cut another line. And another. And another. She couldn't stop crying, and cutting. 

After she had seven bleeding lines on her arm, she was shaking and crying too much to continue. Alex threw the blade down onto the coffee table in front of her, and grabbed her arm, desperate for the bleeding to stop; for the shaking to subside. When suddenly, as if she called for help, she heard a knock on the door, and a quiet whisper. 

"Lex? Can I come in?" 

"Maggie. She can't see me like this." Alex thought to herself. 

"Lex, are you okay? I can hear you crying." 

"No. I'm not." Alex said, her voice breaking. 

Maggie opened the door, and tried to take in everything that was happening. She first saw the blood. The blood all over Alex's hand and arm; the blood splatters on her jeans. Then she saw the tears in Alex's eyes. A sight she has always hated to see. Because Alex Danvers never cries. She never cries unless something is hurting her; unless her heart is truly damaged. And Maggie can tell, oh Maggie can tell how hurt Alex is. And she wants nothing more than to cry, to hold onto Alex and to never let go. 

"Alex. What did you do?" Maggie says, with unexpected anger in her voice. 

"I-I'm sorry Maggie." Alex says, starting to cry more. 

"Lex. I'm not mad at you baby. Okay? You don't have to be sorry." 

"Yes I do."

"No baby. No you don't. We're gonna clean up your arm, and you're going to tell me what's bothering you, okay?" Maggie says, picking up the blade off the table. "Come with me." 

Alex follows Maggie into the bathroom. Maggie takes the blade, and flushes it down the toilet. 

"Now, let me see that arm." Maggie says, taking bandages and antiseptic out of the medicine cabinet. 

"No." Alex whispers. 

"Alex. I'm not going to judge you. I'm going to help you. You're going to get through this. Now I need you to give me your arm so you don't have to hurt your hand by holding onto it for so long." 

Alex reluctantly lifts her hand, and gives Maggie her arm. 

"Oh, Alex." Maggie says.

Alex instantly bursts into tears, mumbling "I'm sorry" over and over. 

"You have nothing to apologize for baby. Cry as much as you want to, but no apologizing." Maggie says. "Now, this is going to sting, but it will help. I promise." 

Maggie cleans Alex's arm, and after a few minutes of pain and crying, Alex is calmer than before. 

Maggie leads her into her room, and sits her down on her bed. 

"I'm going to get you some pajamas, and we'll talk, okay?" 

"Okay." Alex says in a small voice. 

Maggie goes over to Alex's dresser, and pulls out a pair of gray sweatpants and a light blue shirt. 

"Put these on. Right here. I don't want you leaving my sight." Maggie says, handing Alex the clothes. 

Alex gets changed, and sits down next to Maggie on the bed. 

"Now, I want you to tell me everything. I don't care how painful it is to say, you have to say it or it will eat away at you, okay?" Maggie says, grabbing Alex's hand. "Start from the beginning." 

"Whenever I would feel bad, or have a bad day, I would drink. It was my way of coping, even when I was a teenager. I cut once when I was fifteen. It was only once and I thought it wasn't a big deal. But then, after today, I couldn't do it. I wanted to end it all. I wanted to kill myself, Maggie. I took the blade, and I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't control it. I was over ten years clean, Maggie. Ten years. That's such a long time and I'm never going to get that back. All because of today." 

"What happened today?" Maggie asks. 

"You almost died. Kara almost died. And I couldn't do anything to stop it." Alex says, her voice starting to break once again. 

"Alex. There was no way you could have done anything, okay? They were two completely unpredictable accidents that nobody could have seen coming. Yes I almost died, but I'm here now. Kara's alive, and she's happy and bubbly, and probably over Lena's being herself. You don't have to worry about that." Maggie says. 

"I could have done something. It's my job to protect Kara. And I could have done something to protect you. What kind of a girlfriend would I be if I let you die?" 

"Lex. Nobody could have done anything. I'm right here baby. I'm right here, and I'm alive. And I'm never going to leave you. Because you are perfect. And I don't ever want to leave you. You wouldn't let me die, and you wouldn't let Kara die. Because you are perfect." 

"I'm selfish. I tried to kill myself because I thought that you were going to die. I'm a terrible person, Maggie. I tried to kill myself because I was about to lose the two people I love most. I'm selfish, Maggie. How could you ever want to be with me?" 

"Because Alex, you are not selfish. You have always been told that not looking out for the people you love and care about is something that you should be punished for. But Alex, Kara loves you. You protect her and make sure she's safe, and you don't worry about yourself enough. You need to put yourself first sometimes. Kara wouldn't mind that at all, I'm sure of it. And I want you to be happy. I want you to be alive, Alex. Because I can't live without you. What you did wasn't selfish. Because you don't think about how much Kara and I love you. Because you live in a world where other people's happiness comes before yours. And I need to teach you how to get out of that mindset. Because Alex Danvers I need you here. I need you alive, and I need you to hold my hand through it all." Maggie says. Tears start to form in her eyes, because all she can see is Alex crying. 

"Maggie. I'm sorry. I want you and Kara to be safe. I need you both alive so I can stay alive. I don't know what I would do if I lost you both." Alex says.

"Lex. You have us, okay? We're here for you. We want you to stay alive. I want you to stay alive. I want to be with you, because I don't want to imagine my life without you in it. I don't mind when you're sad. I want you to tell me when you're sad so we can make sure you don't hurt yourself. I want you to stay alive Alex Danvers. Because I love you too much to let you go." Maggie says, hugging Alex. 

"I love you Maggie Sawyer." Alex says. "I don't know where I would be without you." 

"And I don't know what I would do without you." 

"Promise me you won't leave, even if I do this again?" 

"I won't. I promise you Alex, I won't. I will kiss your scars every night. I will make you feel loved. If you don't want me to I won't, I just want you to be happy. 

"Maggie." 

"Yes Alex?"

"Thank you." 

"For what?" 

"For loving me enough to put up with all of this. Even though it's almost 3 am and I'm a mess." 

"Alex Danvers, I love you more than enough to do this. It's not trouble. It's a blessing to have you alive. And to be able to hug you and kiss you right now." 

"I love you so much Mags." 

"And I love you, Lex."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, comments and kudos are appreciated! :) Before I go, I would like to state just a couple things.  
> 1) I myself am suicidal. I have experience with this, and I tried to make it as real as possible, without going into too much detail.  
> 2) Yes, I am aware that you cannot cure this by being in love, but this doesn't end in death. It shows how love is important, and can change a persons life.  
> And with all of this, I hope you can still enjoy this little snipit into how I think that Alex being suicidal would be like.  
> -Autumn (morrisonsswan; @jensanvers on twitter)


End file.
